Muttroxia

Sonny Perdue, the governor of Georgia, recently sent out this campaign message. The whole message is how well Georgia has fared in the recent SAT rankings. Georgia has achieved it’s highest ranking ever. Sounds impressive, right?

We went from 50th to 46th.

The fact that Mr. Perdue feels like this is something to brag about makes me think he didn’t do so well on his SATs either.

Once upon a time, there was a performer. Perhaps a singer, perhaps a lute-player, perhaps a thespian of some kind. And this performer put on a show for the king. And the show was so good, the king and his court would not let it end. After the show had come to a conclusion, the applause and hurrahs began. Oh, how they rang from the rafters. As one, the audience rose to their feet, demanding, insisiting without words for More!! More!! At this spontaneous outburst of enthusiasm, our artist repeated some of the better parts of his show, to great acclaim and praise. For months afterwards, he was the talk of the court.

Boy, those days are long behind. You’d be hard pressed to find a bigger bunch of idiots than the tens of thousands at a rock concert screaming for an encore. Here is the script followed by every band out there.

1) “Thank you [geographic location]! We’ve had a great time! We are [band name, or individual members, starting with the drummer and bassist, and working your way up to “..and I am [singers name]”]
2) Stage lights go off, and the band walks off.
3) Concert rookies, the elderly, and the fans who don’t care much for their early stuff head for the exits.
4) The rest start screaming. They stomp their feet, they jump and yell. Lighters come out, thousands of lighters.
5) Meanwhile nothing is happening on the stage. Except you might see a couple roadies put out freshly tuned guitars.
6) The crowd continues. Spontaneous chants ring out.
7) What is the band doing? I’d really like to know. Resting? Talking about the brunette in the third row? Complaining that the bassist is jumping the beat again? Watching NewsRadio on Nick at Nite?
8) The yelling continues. Another ten minutes or so of this, and…
9) Holy cow! I don’t believe it! The band has responded to this outpouring of enthusiasm! Why they are coming out again! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!
10) The band picks of their instruments, and without a word, launches into a mini-set. This set consists of 3-5 songs, all big hits that were conveniently omitted from the main set. Almost as if they were purposefully planning on an encore… No, don’t say that, it cannot be true!
11) The mini-set ends. At exactly 11:30 (or whatever time is mandated by the venue).
12) The band walks off, perhaps with another thanking of the crowd, perhaps with a reminder that [they’ll be back in the fall/our new album hits stores in the fall].
13) The houselights go up. The roadies come out and start taking the equipment down.
14) At this Pavlovian signal, the crowd meekly files out.

The whole thing is just such a farce. Here’s a few variants I’d like to see.

The band comes out and in the beginning of the show announces, “We’re going to have a 10 minute break after an hour or so. Also, we’re playing a bunch of stuff from the new album halfway through, so that’s a good time to get a beer.” (The Who introduced the song Quadrophenia that way.)
Or: “We’re planning on playing some more. But if you just act like a bunch of lobotomized sheep, it doesn’t seem worth it. We already got your money either way”
Or, I’d geniunely like to see: The band wraps up the main set. They announce, “We’re taking 15 minutes to cool off. Then we’ll be back, and play until 11:30. You can probably guess what songs we’re going to end the show with. You feel like shouting, go for it. We’re coming back either way.”

I’ve watched every season of Last Comic Standing, and in the process inferred one of the things that bugs me about many comedians, and quickly put them in the “Not Funny” pile. Some comedians entire act is about a stereotype of themselves. Let’s look at some comedians from the show.

Group One
Dat Phan (season 1 winner): Awful. Never once told a joke that wasn’t about being Asian. Couldn’t even come up with new material, every night it was the same material from the week before about being Asian. I get it, you’re Asian. On this season’s finale show, he performed. He had better poise, delivery, and presence, but it was still the same joke over and over. I can only conclude that he had pictures of Jay Mohr.
John Heffrin (season 2 winner): Varied act. I didn’t much care for him, but I recognize why someone could find him funny.
Josh Blue (season 3 winner): One joke pony. However, his act is pretty good because at least his one joke is a joke no one else can do. Not a lot of palsy comedians out there. Nevertheless, it got old fast for me. I can’t imagine watching a half-hour of him.
The New York Jew or Italian lady who’s getting older: There’s one every season, I can never even remember their name.
The big black lady: Ditto. If I follow the gist of your act, you state in many ways that you have been known to overeat on occasion, as well as behave in a manner that many white people would construe as over-assertive, often accompanied by various gestures. I see.

Group Two (for contrast):
Ralphie May: Started off just doing fat jokes, but quickly morphed into a great all around comedian. Nothing wrong with a few fat jokes, just don’t make it your whole act. See Kevin James or Louie Anderson.
Dave Mordal (my favorite of all seasons): Can’t even peg this guy — some variety of Minnesota redneck?
Alonzo Bodden (sp?): Great. Again, he has black jokes, but that’s not the whole act.
Ty Barnett (sp?): Ditto. That guy is just plain funny.

In five years the second group will have a lot more success. Josh Blue will be remembered because of the originality of his schtick, but otherwise Group One will have faded into obscurity.

Jerry Seinfeld doesn’t just do Jewish jokes. George Carlin doesn’t just do hippie or language jokes. Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor and Chris Rock talked a lot about life being black, but didn’t just do black jokes. Bill Cosby never really did black jokes. You can make jokes about yourself and your life and how you see the world without having to pick out an obvious stereotype about yourself and make the same joke about it over and over.

Question: What do the following things have in common?

0) We’ve known about flying planes into buildings for years, but do close to zero about it. Until someone does it, then airport security goes nuts.
1) Someone tries to explode a plane with a shoebomb. From then on, all passengers get their shoes inspected. Oh, but it’s optional for children.
2) Someone tries to explode several planes with some liquid explosives. From then on, no passengers can bring liquids on planes. Except infant formula — since we all know that terrorists would never be so jaded as to use an innocent human life for their own purposes.
3) There is no more protection of chemical plants or ports than there was five years ago.
4) Homeland Security funding to the states is based on congressional seniority, or astrology, or something clearly at odds with empirical reality.
5) More nations are going nuclear than ever before
6) Nuclear materials are still pretty much as easy to get as ever. (John Kerry and George Bush both identified this as their greatest worry in the ’04 debates).
7) Only 40% of Americans accept evolution.

Answer: They’re all incredibly stupid. The last one has nothing to do with this security post, I just find it shocking.

Oh, by the way, did you know that we knew about the liquid gel idea back in 1994? Perhaps the security policy is this:
Figure out or discover a technique by which the bad guys can get us
Take no measures of any kind
Hope that when it is attempted, you stop it in time
If you do, take draconian measures that may or may not stop that technique, but definitely piss off hundreds of millions of other people.

There’s no real point to this post. It’s just remarkable how stupid, corrupt, and ineffective all of our security policies are, and that no one really seems to care that much.

I flip to this show once in a while. If nothing else, I’m hoping to see David Hasslehoff reprise his greatest lyrics ever — hooga hooga oooga chakka, hooga hooga oooga chakka, hooga hooga oooga chakka… (easily the worst video ever, simply off the unintentional comedy scale).

So here’s my issue with America’s Got Talent. Some of the acts shouldn’t even be allowed on the stage. Not because of their [lack of] talent, but because of their field. Let’s just say it. Comedians, Singers and Musical bands shouldn’t be eligible. Why?

Because there are so many other ways for these people to get recognized if they really are talented. There are already plenty of venues for talent in these fields to be recognized. You can be out performing at countless open mic acts across the land, building a following, and getting to be famous the way all of your heros did. And if you’re really that talented, you’ll make it.

On the other hand, if your talent is quick change routines, juggling, smoking lots of cigarettes, mulitplying numbers quickly, or any of the truly bizzare acts, what else are you going to do? Not a lot of other ways to the top for you.

This is related to the now-famous Funnel Theory. If you are a comedian or musician, and you appear on America’s Got Talent, all you’ve proven is that you are a complete failure among your peers, and you are even worse than a sellout — you are a sellout that no one wants to buy.

They started a soccer team at work. Open tryouts/scrimmage. It’s been a long time since I played, and I’m out of shape, but what the heck. I always liked soccer, and how bad can I be? Like riding a bike, it’ll come back quick.

Last week:
After a creditable five minutes at left fullback, I am sucking air. I sub for the goalie to get a rest. Immediately I make a save, deflecting the ball to the side. I run after the ball, but being pressured, kick it upfield. Right into the waiting feet of the other team, who easily puts the ball in the now-empty net. It is then I realize, what with being the goalie and all, I could have just picked the ball up.

On the next play a defensive mistake leads to a breakaway, one man attacking the goal with no defenders. I don’t mind that he scored, but he scored by dinking the ball through my legs. Ouch.

In the second half, I move back to my customary fullback spot. The other team has a corner kick, and I am guarding the back post. The ball lofts towards the goal. It is deflected by the goalie, and comes right past my head. Without any conscious thought, I reach up and slap at the ball. I am not the goalie at this point. Twenty-one other players stare at me. And my slap doesn’t even stop the ball. Absolutely pathetic.

This Week:
And yet I am ready for more. Today I figured I’d have worked a few kinks out. I’ll still be out of shape, but at least I’ll be past the dumb mistakes. Yes sir, bring it on, I am ready.

On the very first play, running towards the ball, something in my thigh goes pop. I call for a sub, hobble off to the sideline, and wincingly make my way to the car.

I suck.

Balance. I saw this at an Animation festival (back when that was something artistic), and was captivated by this. Thanks to the wonders of YouTube, it’s back. A wonderfully haunting allegory about nuclear weaponry. (Or something.)

Bill Simmon’s (SportsGuy) YouTube Hall of Fame. Chock full o’ links to great sports and pop culture videos.

Fun with Flash:

The Wand. A minor internet sensation, well worth your time.
A neat, but oddly disturbing, Flash story.
Flyguy. A great timewaster, and the music is groovy also.

Yesterday, or the day before, DeKalb county put a complete ban on all outdoor watering. I found this interesting, because I have just finished reading Jared Diamond’s latest book, Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed.
Don’t recognize that name? He’s the author of Guns, Germs and Steel. One of the threads running through Collapse is enivromentalism, and how human psychology interacts with environmental issues. Humans generally are not very good at understanding or reacting to long term or low risk threats, which is where environmental concerns usually occur. Humans also (quite naturally) are extremely selfish, and won’t sacrifice much for other groups of humans.

Throughout the world, freshwater supplies are dwindling. In my area of the world, three states spend much of their time bickering and suing each other for access to the same limited supply of water. I am one of the consumers of that water (the Chatahoochee basin). The water’s dissapearing fast, so conservation measures are being enacted. This year is particularly bad, because a faulty chip somewhere let a billion odd gallons go out without anyone noticing, and the government wouldn’t believe the residents who told them the water level looked low.

A total ban is unusual around here. Most counties go to alternate water days (odd-numbered houses one day, even-‘s the next), or certain hours of the day, or other halfway measures. I wonder how effective partial measures are. If I water my lawn 3 days a week, what do I care which days it is? I have a timer on my sprinkler, so the hours of the day doesn’t bother me. Does it significantly decrease consumption?

What incentives are there to rat on neighbors? I find this fascinating. The day after the ban started, our next door neighbor was watering her plants same as always. I dramatically cut back the sprinkler schedule (to about 8% of what it was), but didn’t completely turn it off. Never for a moment did I think that either of us would tattle. But if usage had been more overt I might have. Two motives conflict: (1) You shouldn’t ever start a fight with your neighbor unless unavoidable, and (2) Hey, that’s just unfair! I’d love to see a study on how those motives play out in the real world.

I’ve recently begun to notice a certain kind of professional worker and their communication style. These are folks who do not seem to have had the best education, have succeeded in getting a professional level job. They have a certain image of what a professional looks and sounds like that they aspire to. I admire these folks, they are clearly more “self-made” than I am, and they are pretty good for the most part — I can tell they’re faking the style, but that’s OK, the style is for the most part, quite professional. It’s very good. But there are little characteristic tics. One of those is the word “actually” (and “actual”). The word actually is actually used when it’s not actually needed. Often. Here are two examples I hear today:

“…log into the actual system”
“..it actually tells you the amount”

Here’s a suggestion. Pay attention to when you use the words “actual” and “actually”. Try the sentence without them. If it means the same thing, use the short version. In the end, you’ll come off much better.

Another word to think about is “just”. When someone is arguing a point with you, and they use that word in a sentence, see how it reads without the word “just”. “Just” is a judgement that something is unimportant, and explicity examining that judgement can reveal biases.

“It’s just the abortion nuts who are worked up about this” Well, why shouldn’t they be mad about this, don’t their opinions count?
“It’s not an efficient use of credit card charges for just $1 or $2,” $1 or $2 can be a lot of money.
“There are just six men on the military’s death row at Fort Leavenworth, Kan., and no one has been executed since 1961.” Is six men not a lot? What’s the right amount?

Here’s a sentence I say to people fairly often: “Say that again, without the word ‘just'” Suddenly obvious points don’t seem so obvious.

Yesterday, the legendary Warren Buffet announced he was giving most of his fortune away to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Doubling it from $30B-ish to $60B-ish. Yes, that B is for Billion.

I’m a big fan of this for several reasons.
1) Bill Gates is saving the world. Seriously. Whatever your feeling about Microsoft the company, it’s undeniable that the Foundation has done more good in the world than, well, than just about anything I can think of.
2) I’ve always been annoyed at celebrities and philanthropists starting their own charities all the time. We really don’t need the Fatboy Slim Illiteracy Foundation, there’s a hundred foundations out there already. I’m impressed that Buffett has so little ego, he realized his money would do more good combined with a pre-existing organization.
3) God bless these guys. Seriously.
4) They have the assets of a small country. They’re somewhere around #56, the size of Bangladesh. That’s just amazing. It’s also a dose of perspective to realize just how wealthy the USA really is. Almost three times as big as the next biggest economy (Japan). Take our two of our wealthiest citizens and their assets are larger than Vietnam, Costa Rica, Iceland and many others.
5) There’s an odd consequence of this trend (if it is a trend). Modern “Conservatives” are fond of the idea that public support for it’s poorer citizens isn’t needed, because private giving will make up the difference. And lo and behold, here are Gates and Buffet doing so much to help out. But the natural result of this trend is the very rich who have a heart will give away significant portions of their money. Who does that leave at the top of the heap? The jerks. The conservative viewpoint would naturally lead to a world where the worst people had the most. Interesting.

Update: Tapped brings up an interesting angle. As much money as this is, it’s not a lot compared to what the actual governments of the developed nations could do. Instead of Gates/Buffett picking up the slack, what if some of that money was devoted to influencing our government to appropriate some funds in the same ways? Could be exponentially more effective. That would be a special interest I could get behind.

Come to think of it, isn’t the route George Soros took, funding MoveOn.org and many other liberal democratic organizations?

Database error fixed. For future reference, fix corrupted comments table (error 145) logging into MySQL and clicking on the “Repair” button fixed everything. Now that’s a user interface — a button called “Repair”. So basic, so effective. It also fixed the bug where the links to comments weren’t displaying on the post page.

I think I’ve also learned that this theme stinks, and I’ll switch to something else soon that is more readable. The default was pretty good.

So besides the usual excuses and some life events most of you know about, the database that supports this blog is corrupted or something. I’m not sure how to fix it, and Mrs. Muttrox is always on the computer doing work anyhow, so goodness only knows when I’ll get around to fixing this.

Simply substitute in one of these thoughts for your Muttrox update:
(a) Bush is a corrupt dictator
(b) Hey, why do they build those things like that… it’s so dumb!